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look at me now, i'm not the girl i used to be

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[21 Nov 2008|03:13pm]
Oh, how I long for an escape from reality with those green-yellow eyes.
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[13 Jul 2007|04:08pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Hm. It has been quite a while since I have written in here.

I was rereading my old entries. I pity myself for being so pathetic before. Throughout my four years of high school, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. Now, this summer, I have drift apart from many of my high school friends. It's just for the matter of time because I needed to figure out many things. 

In June, I was on the verge of tears because some people would accuse me of doing things just because my trio girls were involved. I knew they were doing it, but it doesn't mean that all of us would be involved in the same situations. 

In July, I had calmed a great deal because I did not attempt to talk to many high school friends or enemies. I had calmed down because I figured out that I had stalkers, wanting to know what I did during my high school years or during the summers. I do not deny that I did not do anything that would surprise many people, but those were hidden for various reasons. I have matured since I flew to Arizona with my beloved boyfriend, Matthew. 

Before any of you jump to conclusions, I am typing proper because I feel like it. If I am going to RIT, I need to get into the habit of typing proper for essays and such. 

Some of the people I metioned in my previous entries, they had once been my friends, but became an enemy due to jealousy or inference of a person. Some of the people I also metioned that were my enemies, they have became my friends because we had put aside our differences. I am still dating Matthew Wodjenski, and I do hope I will continue to date him in the future. 

Mario Ortiz, now, I know that I have metioned this name oh so many times in my journal. After graduation, we had became friends. We put our past behind us and moved on. I am glad for this, not because I "still love him" or "still have feelings for him", but because I really don't need enemies during college. I probably will have a few, but that's because some of them won't let go of their grudge over something petty that had happened in high school.

During this summer, I had put all of my memories from high school aside because I am enrolling into a college in New York; and I don't think I want any high school drama while I am in college. I have had horrible experiences, but also wonderful experiences, from my four years of high school. Some of them will scar me for life, but that just makes me a stronger person as I proceed with my life. 

I had a bad start in my freshman year, which put doubt in many eyes that I would ever be successful in life. I have proved so many people wrong about various things throughout my high school years. I have never stopped being a troublemaker in the dorm, but everybody knew that. I do not let other people's insults bother me as much as they used to. In my senior year, I had dumbstruck many teachers and staff which thought I would not be successful.

There had been so many moments that I was not very proud of, but there are also moments when I was proud of myself with proving some students and teachers wrong.

High school is a period of hormones change, where you will experience terrible, but also amazing, things. I believe that high school has changed me a lot, but there is still college to go through. I have not experienced college years yet, but that's to come soon. 

I cannot believe that I will be a freshman in college this fall.

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out of stupidty.. [29 Jul 2005|07:28pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i was just reading my livejournal.. and everybody, please FORGET everything i said about mario ortiz.. i said them out of my mind, not my true feelings. i'm leaving the entries in here, yes, just to remember my stupidty with mario.

i don't like mario.
i don't love mario.
i hate mario for what he did to me.
ahaha, it feels so good to be away from mario.
and to be with matthew.

this year, i will be different.
no crabbyness.
no crying.
no aruging.
no complaining.
all just because i broke up with mario.

i loved him, yes, for the first 6 to 8 months of our relationship, after that, it faded to fear.

i admit this..
i've wanted matthew wodjenski so bad ever since end of september to beginning of november.

i've always been so scared to break it off with mario because all he did to me was start fighting with me. we couldn't even talk for 5 minutes anymore.
in fact, we couldn't even talk anymore.
all we did was argue.
and argue.

i was scared that if i broke it off with mario..
i would lose everybody.
lose everything.
nobody was ever there for me.
now i realize..
i wont lose everybody.
i wont lose everything.
now i have couple of people who i know will always be there for me.

i'm a better person now.
even though i'm drifting away from the world right now.

remember this..

things happen for a reason.

peace out my children.

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boredddd at home .. [27 Jul 2005|01:01am]
[ mood | grateful ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I look.. evil-ish, don't I? :D

Come here if you wanna see moreeeee :DCollapse )

UHM... btw, YOU CAN'T HAVE MATT! He's all mineeeeee! :D

I've been using girl clothes? I don't know.. maybe i've been feeling different?.. let's see what happens at ISD..

i don't think i'm going to be around anymore until isd.. i don't feel like being around.

Anyways, off to bed! :D

peace out my childrennnnnnnnnn ..

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long time no type.. [21 Jul 2005|02:49pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

wow, I haven't wrote in here for a long time..

Eh, a lot of things been going on.

Let me start with Arizona..

Ok well, Nica changed her flight to go back on July 11th so she could go to California with me, Ronda, and Kim. I sure did have a blast with Nica. I got to know her much more than I knew her before she came to Arizona with me. She sure did get to know me too well now. She is the one who knows how I am when I am not at ISD.. I'm not techinally a different person at ISD, but I don't show my personality well because of the problems with Mario and I didn't want to get in any trouble at ISD since the rules there are strict. I got really close to Nica, and now I know I can trust her with anything that I tell or show her. Meanwhile, we went to California, Nica touched the ocean for the first time in her life. We both touched Hollywood for the first time in our lives. Hell, we experienced a lot of things for the first time in our lives in California and Arizona. Nica got on the plane at 12:50 P.M. on July 11th just like she was supposed to. I was supposed to get on 1:50 P.M. but my plane got delayed twice.. I actually took off at around 4:10 P.M. and arrived in Chicago at like 9:30 P.M. Man, I was pissed off. I got home around 11 to midnight. I had a good time though. There is one awesome thing we did in Arizona, we met some hearing kids who knew sign language. That was wicked.

I've been talking with Matthew Wodjenski a lot since. I've gone back to him. We have been liking each other since I got in Arizona or so. That's a long time, eh? I don't know.. he makes me feel different. He treats me much better than Mario did. That's for sure. I have been happy ever since I've been liking Matt. I can show who I really am now.. and I am trying to change back to who I really am since all of my life went downhill big time for the past 5 or 6 years. He makes me happy, literally. We can just look at each other and laugh if someone said something really stupid and didn't make sense because we both are kinda thinking the same thing.

I've been thinking a lot this summer. I don't really know why I am, but I guess I'm trying to figure out who I really am, and if people hates me or not. I've changed.. big time this summer.

I just realized today.. I really miss being around my friends.

But I really miss being with Marci and Nica in class and all that.

I miss hanging out with Darci.

I miss all of those times.. I can't wait until volleyball starts and when school starts.

I go back to school on August 14th for volleyball, but all the kids who aren't in volleyball or football will come on August 21st.

I miss goofing off in dorm with Megan.

I hope Sean can come back this year. I missed being around him.

I even miss being in 3rd period with all senior boys.. watching their conversation about weird stuff.

I miss seeing Jesse between classes and seeing his actions towards someone which makes me laugh so hard.

I even miss Justin Polak's talk which didn't make sense to me most of the times.

I miss seeing Matthew.. I miss talking to him between 4th and 5th period each day.. I miss talking to him in the morning right before 1st period.. I miss seeing him in TC and talking with him.. I miss working with him and Darci at track games to help Hicks out.. I miss picking on him all the time in person.. I miss him picking on me.

There's alot of new kids coming this year, I'm curious to see what they are like, even though I know who some of them are.

Man, I'm hopeless, ain't I?

My computer's explorer crashed big time.. so I ain't be updating so much because if I wanted to update, I'd have to use Zack's computer.. which I am on right now.

Alright, I think I've done enough today.

Peace out my children.

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rawr. [01 Jul 2005|10:36am]
[ mood | calm ]

i'm in arizona right now..
i'm having a blast!
woo.. yeah, that's all..

oh yeah, my page broke last night.
i, stupidly, dropped it in water..
it died and went to heaven.
oh well.

i miss matthew..

IM7RKMD - thanks for everything.

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blah. [18 Jun 2005|04:16pm]
[ mood | blah ]

yeah, i'm flying out alone on monday night to Arizona.
Nica's coming on the 24th until July 7th.
I'll have a blast, and i hope Nica does too..
i miss somebody.
and no..
it's not mario.
that's all.
peace out.

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weirdo. [11 Jun 2005|09:25pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

yeah, this is me at woodfield mall.

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i'm worthless. [08 Jun 2005|01:36am]
tonight is the night.. i realized i mean nothing.

the end.
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remember your first love? [04 Jun 2005|01:36pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
he's sooooooo cute .. =o\ .. i love this picture of him!

ba-da-duh-daCollapse )

Whoo... all of those pictures made me miss ISD. I actually did have so much fun in my sophomore year than my freshman year.

Anyways.. yeah, I miss Mario.. All of the problems we went through made me learn a lesson each time.. I just thought about it last night.. I just realized that I missed him so much.. I just want him besides me.. I usually feel safe with him. He's the only guy who I feel comfortable loving.. He even changed himself for me.. I didn't ask him to, he did it himself.. People think I'm "controlling him" because I asked.. repeation: ASKED .. him to be at least home before midnight or whatever.. Well, excuse me, you might think I'm stupid.. but I know Chicago is a dangerous place, it's a gangster city.. I'm not that stupid. Mario could get shot at 2 A.M. because he was playing basketball with some friends and he's deaf.. Gangsters get the wrong idea when deaf people sign because some of them look like gang signs.. I don't want to wake up one day and find out that Mario died the night before.

Anyways.. I'm going to crash out and shower..

Peace out my children.

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look at me now, i'm not the girl i used to be. [30 May 2005|05:22pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

i want you to want meCollapse )

Peace out children.

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[ mood | bouncy ]




That's all I need folks.

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Man, I ROCK! .. Nah. [27 May 2005|04:46pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Times goes too fast! I'm a junior now.. like I said to some friends, it means I'm graduating "next year!"

Noooooo way, I don't even wanna graduate yet! Thank god I'm not yet!

Hmm, I'm singleeee still.. but I still am in love with Mario Ortiz, but we'll see what happens in the summer!


June 20th, here we come Arizona! I'm so excited! I also hope Monica will come with meee.

I noticed that in my freshman year, i wasn't close with my freshman class, but in my sophomore year, i became more closer to my sophomore class.. I even miss them TONS! I feel that class of 2007 will become tight in our junior year.. and even more TIGHTER in our senior year!

Remember this, CLASS OF 2007 WILL ROCK DA WORLD!!

I miss seniors soo bad. Next year won't be the same without them!

I'll figure out a way to handle it without the seniors next year.

I go back to ISD on August 15th this year because I'm in VOLLEYBALL! Oh man, I just know my junior year and senior year will ROCK!

You know why it will rock?


I'm soo happy right now, I don't even know why, but it scares me.

I'm going to be so busy next year. In fall, I'll have volleyball, SBG, Vice President for Class of 2007, and NHS. In winter, I'll have basketball cheerleadering if I make it, SBG, Vice Pres, and NHS. In spring, I'll have Vice Pres, NHS, SBG, maybe help Mr. Hicks at every home track game, and maybe join the STEP team.

Hmm, IDK what else to say..

I'll just update later.



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You rock my world. [09 May 2005|11:43pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Don't you hate it when people lie to you?

Mario, you need to stop it. Stop lying to me. I didn't do anything. I told you the truth the whole weekend. When I go back to ISD on Wednesday night, guess what? I'm totally not wasting my time on you! I care about you still but I'm sick of you playing games with my mind and others. I'll waste my time with Matthew in front of you! How'd you feel about that?

Anyways, I VPed with Matthew for a long time. Wow, I really can't wait until Wednesday night so I can finally feel his hug and his kiss. I miss that kid so much.

I miss Megan too.. I hope I don't lose her friendship just because of other people. I hate it when that happens between us.

I hung out with Amber today after a long time not seeing her. I helped her wash her car and her mom's car too. It was pretty fun.

Aw man, I really don't want to go to the wake or the furneal. I know I'd cry. I don't want to see her because I know what she've been through. But I do really need to be there for my dad. He's taking it really hard. I can't imagine losing Derek like that.

I think I'm going to go to bed soon. I wish I went back to ISD tonight but oh well. Things do happen for a reason.

Honestly, I think anybody can notice that I'm much more happier with Matthew. Matthew's and my relationship is way different than Mario's and my relationship. Even my mom noticed. I think I'm going to go for him. If you hate me for it, fine, hate me then. You're just being immature.

Oh, speaking of immature, guess what? Mario dropped prom with me. Prom is this saturday. Whatever, I'll just have him have his way. He thinks he has won.. Just wait until I go back to ISD and we'll see who won this war. My god, he is taking this so immaturely.

I won't be home until May 27th.. wow, I won't be used to it. This weekend is prom then next weekend is Six Flags at St. Louis. The following weekend after Six Flags is graduation. I'm sad to see all of my seniors buddies graduate. I'm sure going to miss them picking on me and talking with me! I just want to thank the seniors who have been there for me! My best friend, Halie, is graduating this year! I don't know what I'd do if I don't see her everyday! I hope she'll do good in life and keep in touch with me. After all, we have been best friends for 9 years.

Wow, I have written a lot in here tonight, eh? Oh well. I think I'm going to go to bed soon. It's almost midnight and I have to get up eariler than usual to get ready for the wake.

I'm out of here. Peace out.

I miss Matthew Wodjenski sooooo much!! :o(

-- Lilez

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Once again.. bored. [09 May 2005|06:55pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Catch you laterCollapse )

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Can't stop thinking about you.. [08 May 2005|02:29am]
[ mood | bored ]

Survey -- click hereCollapse )

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Emergency.. Call 911 [07 May 2005|01:00pm]
[ mood | awake ]

You know, I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed of my brother dying. Then when I woke up.. the phone rang. I answered it.

Natalie: Hello?
Phone: Hello, good day. May I talk to Natalie Liles?
Natalie: This is her.
Phone: May I suggest you to sit down?
Natalie: No, I'm fine. Thanks.
Phone: I'm sorry to inform you, but your brother, Derek Liles, died at 5:20 A.M. this morning.

P.S. This is not true. The dream did happen, but the phone call didn't. My brother is still alive. I just have a weird mind.

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Back once again.. [06 May 2005|06:44pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Yeah.. a lot of shit has happened. Mario and I broke up couple of times.. but I broke up with him on Wednesday.. Jesus.. All you guys just do is put pressure on me for no fuckin' reason. Mario keeps going off the point, trying to get attention from people. I'm drifting away from the world once again because of Mario.

I feel stupid. This is how he treats me.

Yeah, I like Matthew.. so what? You have a problem with that?

Well, get used to it.

Otherwise, you'll get used to it within couple of weeks.

Shut the fuck up.

You have anything to say about me, don't backstab me, say it to my face. I won't run away crying. I'm not immature like you are.

What's wrong with you?

And.. Mario, stop lying to people about me. You KNOW that I didn't do anything. All I did was break up with you for my own reasons.. and believe me, they are good ones. I can prove it, and you know it. Just because I broke up with you doesn't mean all of the sudden I stop loving you or stopped caring about you. I do still care and worry about you. Even Matthew understands that.. at least HE understands my feelings while you don't listen.

Other than that, I still love my friends. I don't two-face one of them. So, please, stop being immature and getting the wrong idea, and telling her that I hate her while I DON'T! Jesus Christ, what the FUCK is wrong with you people?

Don't believe everything somebody says.

That's all I have to say to you today.

Good bye.

Oh yes, before I forget.. Mario, this is for Sunday.. Happy 17th birthday.

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Time for a picture update -- [17 Apr 2005|10:39am]
[ mood | numb ]

People fade.. but memories are forever --Collapse )

That's all folks!

Peace out my children.

-- Lilez

P.S. I love Mario Ortiz forever.. ;o)

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It is real or fake? [03 Apr 2005|01:38pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Wow.. I actually did have a wonderful Easter break! Mario came over on Monday and left Thrusday. It was so fun! We stayed overnight at my dad's house. In some ways, it was good but some ways was bad. It gave me and Mario a time to discuss everything WITHOUT ISD PEOPLE BOTHERING US! It was just enough time for us. We have gotten more closer than before. I'm back to my normal self where I FUCK THE WORLD and don't care what y'all think! Thank goodness for that!

I am different.
I am myself.
I am an original.
I am not a copycat.
I am not a follower.
I am not a controller.
I will never make people change for me.
I don't hate anybody.

I feel so good about myself today. I thank Mario and somebody from ISD who was willing to listen to what I had to say about myself!

Ohh! It's almost for us, CLASS OF 2007, to become JUNIORS!! Time has gone by so fast! I just felt like I just became a sophomore! Class of 2007 will always stick together.. even though it doesn't seem like we do, but we do when we know we have to stick together! We are the BADASS class of all! Everybody at ISD knows that for sure!

Almost time for ARIZONA!! Wee!! I so can't wait! I'm so excited about this summer!

Almost time for me to get my license! Thank goodness! Soon toward to FREEDOM not under the house arrest! =oP

Well, I am going to change my LJ colors and see if I like it.. Hopefully y'all will too! =o)

Peace out my children, you all shall have a wonderful day! =oD

-- Lilez

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